Last week was just mildly depressing, with the storm and all, but for some reason I had a huge "It's a woooonderful world" feeling today when I walked out into the world. I stepped into a foot of snow that made my socks wet. Then I looked at the park beside my building, which was completely covered in pure white glistening beauty that twinkled in the sunlight like Edward and I was like holy shit, only God could've blessed me with such a sight today. So although I could barely make my way through the half-plowed sidewalks, I realized that today I was much happier than I had been in a very, very long time. If only briefly.
See, my main problem is that I have an extremist view on things. I screw something up and I think damn, I've screwed it so bad this time that I might as well quit trying. For example, in grade 10 I got a 60% on one of my math tests and I bawled my eyes out because I thought I wouldn't get into university. I barely skip classes and I feel like a criminal when I do. I don't party much because when I look back at all the times I partied, I think "I could have been doing something much more important" or "I wonder how many brain cells I lost that night." I beat myself up over things that happened long ago, with people that don't matter to me anymore, and that were never even really worth it. I think about what some ex-acquaintances think of me, what their friends think of me, and maybe the friends of those friends...maybe they're in my class? Maybe that's why these people I don't know who are friends with the people I don't care about...maybe that's why they look at me all weird? (These are actual thoughts of mine. No wonder I'm a little crazy sometimes).
I am on a threshold between caring too much and caring too little, which is a tough place to be in. Because usually the situations that I should care about barely cross my mind, and I end up lamenting over past "failures" and daydreaming about fantasy situations instead. I also have this thing about people "hating" me. It took me a while to realize this, but now I know that there is a big difference between "hate" and simply not caring (because, unlike me, most people don't care about ex-acquaintances and fair weather friends).
Anyway, I would like to list some things that make/made me happy, because I hope to become happier by listing them. And maybe prove to myself that, indeed, I have had some happy times in my life.
1. A warm and comforting hug
2. A cup of coffee or cappuccino or anything with caffeine and preferably some whipped cream
3. Snow that looks like God just laid it out there for me, like here have it, you seem sad
4. My first kiss- never forgetting that, the lips so cold and my heart fluttering out of my rib cage
5. Music- all types, just blasting it through my headphones while on a stroll= paradise
6. My trip to Punta Cana- because everyone is optimistic in an all inclusive resort
7. The day I found out that I actually got into university, and that my embarrassing math grade didn't matter
8. Getting back an essay with a big 90% on it. Got quite a lot of those in high school. They actually aroused me (is it wrong to be attracted to grades is that weird)
9. My mom- everything about her, really. She puts up with all my shit, I can't think of anyone else who would.
10. All those karaoke times with high school friends, the times when I tried to fit in with my Asian buddies, drinking bubble tea, Korean BBQ outings
11. Fireworks, footprints outside my window, and mastering the art of truffle-making
12. Cross country running- because the best feeling is when you feel like you're about to pass out
13. Being selected for the Writing Workshop in grade 10 (it was the best day ever)
14. Being elected as Editor-in-Chief of the BSS Press, I sold my soul to that newspaper, I loved it
15. Shopping. And finding good deals. It gets my adrenaline going to find $15 jeans
16. Trips to Wonderland (the times that I didn't puke)- funnel cakes and standing for an hour to go on a brief, heart wrenching ride. The first time I went on Drop Zone, I was having a nervous breakdown.
17. Camp Presqu'ile- too many good memories, the amazing people I met, how much my heart opened in such a short period of time, swimming in the lake
18. McDonald's. Because I love that place, seriously, I've been going there every week as some sort of ritual for the past four years. What are those addictive burgers made of!?! Meth, I swear. Big Meth.
19. Going to Winnipeg for the Explore program. Learned a lot of le francais and experienced the dorm life (helped me find out that the dorm life is not for me)
20. Horseback riding, just the feeling of riding through the open fields, jumps, competitions, teaching it, even falling taught me a lesson. I hope to horseback ride again one day.
21. Casual bird-watching, because birds are actually crazy cool
22. Archie comics- I have a whole collection, and I've re-read them all, memorized every line
23. Also love crossword puzzles and sudoku
24. My cat. The cutest thing in the world, always cheers me up when I'm down, rubs her nose on me when I'm crying and purrs in my lap when I'm watching TV
25. Forgiving
26. Being forgiven
That was just a brief list of the things that make me smile.
I would like to mention an important story. It was the day when I actually started believing in God- I was eight years old, at a scout summer camp. My leg was hurting so much because I fell on it when we were hiking, and the group went ahead of me. I stayed there in the forest, on my own, with my sore foot and started panicking because I thought I was lost. I prayed inside my head and a moment later my instructor came out from nowhere and helped me up. The pain was completely gone. It's all cheesy, I know, but that's when I started to believe in God.
At that time I was attending a Catholic school. When I was ten, I prayed to Him and asked for a new pair of shoes. I briefly stopped believing in Him when my wish didn't come true, but my teacher told us that you can't just ask God for things, you also have to thank Him everyday and ask for His blessing. So I bought a rosary and set up a little praying table beside my bed, complete with an angel statue that my grandma bought me, and a pile of prayer books and bibles. I prayed everyday, hoping that if I prayed just the right amount, God would send me a new pair of shoes, or a new dress, or whatever else I asked for. He never did. I soon gave up with that approach, and I started to question His existence.
This is why I started to pray not just because my teacher told me to, but because I wanted Him to send me a sign, like a shining light (like in the series "Touched by an Angel") or a warm invisible hand on my shoulder. I memorized a lot of prayers, and said them in the sequence that I was supposed to, on my rosary and at random times of the day. I soon gave up on that, too. But I still secretly hoped that the more I prayed to Him and praised Him, the higher the chance would be that He would show me that He loved me back. As you can see, I didn't really know what religion was about. But I also didn't understand what empathy and compassion were. I wasn't self-centered. I was just believing in false hopes.
I'm not nearly this religious now, but I brought this mentality into my recent years. I started to believe that if I praised someone just the right amount, if I sacrificed my time and effort, that they would show that they loved me back. Of course, this mentality is flawed, too, as people only take advantage of those who give without getting. This story is important to me because today, when I walked outside and saw all that glistening snow, I finally realized that God has been sending me signs all along, but I was too caught up in my misery to see it. Even though I haven't prayed to Him in years, I know that He still loves me. Maybe this is what He is trying to show me, by blessing me with a calm after the storm. Maybe He wants me to know that love is unconditional.
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