Olga's Poetry & Thoughts

I woke up, again, with sweat drenching my back, gluing my night shirt close to my body. I had a nightmare, the same one I've had many a time: in the dream, I am sleeping in my bed, but when I look down to my toes, I can't see them, because I have a very bulging, very pregnant stomach. I gasp for air, panic, cry. Then I wake up. I'm not from another era- I know perfectly well how to avoid unexpected pregnancies. Yet this is a fear that has burrowed into my psyche and which springs up when my body is trying to rest. Perhaps the fear is not the pregnancy itself- it is the fear that I will never want a child. It is the fear of...babies. While other women my age already have this maternal instinct, a drive to squish chubby cheeks and fantasize about cribs, I am ambivalent about babies. I can't fathom what drives a woman to momentarily give up her body, to sacrifice a portion of her career, and to devote her life to a crying blob without a formed personality, without hopes or...

I used to be afraid of many things, Of snakes and spiders and rejection. To me, compliments were like bee stings, I used to be desperate for affection. I used to be afraid of thoughts, Of people talking behind my back. I didn’t realize that they forgot About me, so they cut me some slack. I used to be afraid of rotten words, What a bitch, they all would say. Each sliver of gossip that I overheard, Would haunt me day by day. I used to hate myself for making mistakes, I was angry at the naïve stupid me. I used to bend so far I would break, I wished to be perfect and free. Anxiety wrapped itself around my neck, I would choke on the teasing and hate. I used to think of myself as a wreck, I used to think that it was too late. Humans are faulty, it’s the way we are, We make choices of which we’re ashamed. Without trial and error we wouldn’t go far, ‘Cause it’s our delusions that make us the same. Should’ve said this and ...

Last week was just mildly depressing, with the storm and all, but for some reason I had a huge "It's a woooonderful world" feeling today when I walked out into the world. I stepped into a foot of snow that made my socks wet. Then I looked at the park beside my building, which was completely covered in pure white glistening beauty that twinkled in the sunlight like Edward and I was like holy shit, only God could've blessed me with such a sight today. So although I could barely make my way through the half-plowed sidewalks, I realized that today I was much happier than I had been in a very, very long time. If only briefly. See, my main problem is that I have an extremist view on things. I screw something up and I think damn, I've screwed it so bad this time that I might as well quit trying. For example, in grade 10 I got a 60% on one of my math tests and I bawled my eyes out because I thought I wouldn't get into university. I barely skip classes and I feel l...