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I Can Glue Myself Together, Humpty

Feeling just a bit desperate

(Like those people on the subway who feel the need to check their phones the second the train goes above ground for 3.5 milliseconds and they receive 200 new texts and 20 missed calls)

Desperate for a wholeness that I can't seem to reach

(But even when a nail is hammered into a wooden door, they are not whole but merely co existing until the wood rots or someone hangs a picture frame that's slightly tilted and the nail is taken out, away, far away from the door)

Desperate because I want you around me, on me, beneath me and in me (simultaneously, continuously, and precariously) but at the same time I want you to forget, regret, fret, and direct your whole being to anything but me

Because I wish I were a mellow melon instead of a melodramatic drama lemon, sour and cold and bitter, a lemon that stings open wounds when taken out of the refrigerator and rots on the table and is left alone in the fruit bowl as everyone takes the bananas and grapes one by one (poor lemon, all alone, who needs her? Only useful for childish fundraisers and squeezing into enemy's eyes)

A wholeness I seem to desperately chase, a wholeness in my self that I look for in others, but I can't seem to find it because their eyes are foggy and mine are caked with clay

But where to find wholeness...in religion? (admiration of the gods) Nature? Sex? (hot milkshakes that are too thick too sip but too easy to swallow, and leave you hollow and ashamed) Alcohol? Love or drugs or the like, or in raisin bran or broken horse hooves or in the mailman or the beggar down the street PLEASE tell me where this wholeness can be found because I've looked all around and I feel like a hound dog chasing its own tail

I wish that someone could glue me together like the Humpty Dumpty Man (but I'm a woman, which means that I am much more fragile than an egg or a man) but where do I find the king's horses? I think I'lll have to climb down this wall of desperation and pick the eggshells up from the floor. I'll dust myself off and look at the king's horses and men and notice that they're much less handsome from ground-level view. Then I'll ride off with a stolen stallion and win a medallion or two for my heroic bravery (hooray I'm complete, how sweet). I always wondered if Humpty Dumpty was a hard boiled egg. Cause if he was raw, he would pretty much die upon impact of the fall. But since my blood is boiling I'm quite sure I qualify as a well cooked egg, one that might shatter, but one that will never, ever give up.




tl;dr I'm getting my shit together


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