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Push On

What do you do when everything you have been working for
For let's say, the good past eight years
Goes up, up, up
To reach a climax
The tip of the rollercoaster
The momentum
The adrenaline
That goes down, down, down and around
In grooves and loops and exciting angles
What happens when that climax
Never comes?
And you're left there, facing upwards, in a halt
Simply trying to not fall back down to where you came from
See, I've tried, I've really tried
I've prayed, and I've bled and I've cried
I thought I got better in all I did
I improved my writing
I improved my relationship building
Busted my bad habit forming
Achieved all the grades I wanted to
Made friends, lost friends, travelled around
Wrote a mammoth 40-page senior goddamn thesis
Then I applied to my master's program and I got
Waitlisted
And the uphill battle came to a stop
A deafening screech of the wheels
Silence
What now?
Panic
Well, I thought I was smart enough, pretty enough, clever enough, ambitious enough, humble enough, nice enough, strong enough...
For the world, enough isn't enough
What do you do when there is no climax?
When the pleasurable thing you have been expecting ceases to exist
When you apply to 50 jobs and get rejected from all of them
When you buy stale bread to get a discount
When you put so much effort, so much time, so much life, love, anxiety, stress...
Into a climax that never comes
A heaven that is out of reach
A little treat just a bit out of range of your fingertips
Taunting you, teasing you
This future that was never yours
So I stop here, in silence, thinking of what to do next
One day I will have to reach the top, then do some fancy twists and twirls, and then come crashing down
It's simply the law of physics
The question is...when do I move again?
When will I gather the remaining strength I have
To push on, push on, push on



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