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The Pros and Cons of Bearded Men


There is the old age question about what women find more desirable on a man: bearded or clean shaven. Well, maybe it’s not an old age question. Maybe I’m one of the few strange women in the world who believe that facial hair is the most important indicator of attractiveness in a man. I think the best thing about a beard is that it is so unique to the male species. It is something that [most] women can’t grow. This makes it a mysterious entity. And, if sculpted right, it is a remarkably handsome addition to any man’s face.

Pros
  • A well-sculpted beard is a symbol of good hygiene. I imagine that a beard must be trimmed every few days and washed in some way (using water? Liquid conditioner? It is an enigma to the female brain). Being clean-shaven is also hygienic, but those razor cuts look painful.
  • Having facial hair makes a man look like a fisherman or a lumberjack or some other manly profession. A scrawny guy without a beard- he looks like he can kill those homework questions. Whereas a scrawny guy with a beard- he can kill grizzly bears.
  • A well-groomed beard should have the right amount of fuzziness to be both comforting and prickly. Imagine a kitten and cactus hybrid. That’s the ideal beard- soft… but at the same time desirably badass.
  • A bearded man looks like he is intelligent or artsy… or both. Have you seen drawings of ancient philosophers- the wisest wise men to have ever lived? A large proportion of them had elegant beards and moustaches. And even if the man isn’t smart, his beard sure makes him look smart. Like, damn, that man has well groomed sideburns. He surely must be a genius.


Cons
  • If a man gets lazy and lets his beard reach Gandalf-like proportions, it is not attractive. But on the flip side, birds are having troubles finding nests with global warming on the rise. So if a man is a green enthusiast, do not judge the pigeon that’s roosting on his face. Admire it.
  • Depending on the sensitivity of a woman’s skin, she usually does not enjoy getting stabbed by stubble. The stubble, in my opinion, is a type of weaponry that should not be put near a woman’s face and/or other parts of her body in any situation. There is no fuzzy kitten feeling in stubble. Only cactus.
  • There is a seemingly infinite list of facial hairstyles for men. The handlebar. The mustache. The goatee. A man has to find one that is appropriate for his face and age. And very few men can pull off a goatee without looking like they play with the devil on Friday nights.
  • Food or beverage remnants in a beard are out of place. They do not belong there. They belong in one’s mouth. It’s a big red flag if a man has Cheetos powder on his beard. It can mean that he is lazy or unhygienic or that he eats Cheetos. This is not something that needs to be shared on a romantic date.
  • Not everyone can grow a beautiful beard. I get that. But if a man lets his barely-there mustache grow wild, he is left with some strands of lonely, stray hairs on his face. Those strands have a sad life. They shouldn’t be there at all.



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