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Surviving University: The Final Breaking Point of the Over-Achiever

Before I went to university, I thought the whole four-year experience would look something like this:


And on the odd occasion, there would be a little bit of studying involved, like this:


(Seriously, why are university students always smiling in the grass in all university pamphlets!?)

But, my university experience pretty much looked like this:


When I first started university, I was striving to be the best, and I was thriving after repeated failures, visits to the writing centre, visits to professor office hours, and countless hours spent studying. Now, I'm just surviving university. The eager motivation I had as a freshman, second year, and even third year student has now worn off. The illusion is gone: of endless partying, drinking, carefree nonsense... well sure, I did some of that too, but I always felt a perpetual guilt when I wasn't studying. I didn't settle for Cs, I aimed for Bs. Then I stopped settling for Bs and only accepted As. I pushed myself so hard, and now I ask myself the looming existentialist question: FOR WHAT?

My end-goal is not so clear anymore. What is it that I want to do with my life? The abyss that waits for me beyond my bachelor degree fills me with fear and defeat. Some days I wake up wanting to go to law school, and other days I convince myself that I'd be fine serving coffee for the rest of my life. I have finally burned out, and it is because I can never accept failure in any aspect of my life. If I fail, I push harder. If I get a bad grade, I don't quit. If I make a mistake, I dissect it so mercilessly that I forget what the mistake even was. I never let myself be a mess, even when I should be, because everyone is a mess from time to time. Years of over-achieving have left me with no satisfaction or sense of personal fulfillment. And this is the part that saddens me most.

We are all pleasure-seekers. We want to achieve our goal with the least amount of effort. I wanted to go to grad school, get scholarships, etc. so getting good grades was a must, and I put in the exhausting amount of effort required to fulfill aforementioned goals. Now, I'm not sure what I want to do, and so I am not putting in as much effort. It's only logical. If I can make 30K a year in a starter position after doing my master's, why should I do my master's? I can easily make that much money upon finishing my Bachelor degree. Less effort, less stress, same end result. I have stopped seeing the point in studying (especially the useless courses, such as Pastoral Poetry in the 16th century...). Whether I get an A or C, I will get a diploma, and life will move on. 

Where do we go from here, my friends? Is there a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel? I sure hope so...

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