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Love & Marriage

Watching the VHS of my parent's wedding day for the fifth time brings a smile to my face, but a pang of unsease to my stomach. My mother has told me the story a million times: about how she met my dad in school through mutual friends, about their early dates at the movies, their inevitable falling in love with each other. The grainy image from the '90s video tape shows my mom, in her long-sleeved, lacy white wedding gown, a giant smile plastered on her face, and dad, who to me looks the same as now, but with fewer grey hairs. The event takes place in a beautiful cathedral in my hometown in Poland, my mom and dad surrounded by family and friends. A happy occassion. A momentous occassion. So why do I feel uneasy?

Well, it might have to do with the fact that my parents have been divorced for the past 15 years. You can't blame me for having a pessimistic view on marriage. Did you know that Canada has one of the highest divorce rates in the world? Yet, I tried to suppress these statistics and my personal experience, and idealized marriage as a kid. as many young girls do. When I was little, I wanted to find a prince as handsome as Cinderella's boo, Prince Charming. When I was in my teens, I thrived on the TLC hit Say Yes to the Dress, envisioning my lacy mermaid style wedding dress from David's Bridal. I had a Pinterest page dedicated to rose centerpieces, 5-tier piped vanilla cakes, fairy tale-like horse carriages, and bridesmaid outfit ideas. The one thing missing from the picture was the man. The one true love to break this spell of loneliness!

I think the main misconception we have, at least in Western society, is that marriage is built on love. Love is a factor for a successful marriage, sure, but the infatuation that we mistake for love fades quite early on in the relationship. What really matters is how much you are willing to invest in your relationship. That's it. I don't think there's anything else to it. A relationship requires an investment of your time, energy, money. It requires sacrifice and commitment. A relationship requires you to look outside of yourself, beyond your ego and whimsies, and makes you ask "How do I brighten up their day?" "What can I do to make their life easier?" "How can I better support them?" A relationship demands the utmost respect and compassion for another human being. A relationship or marriage, in my opinion, is one of the hardest things you can do (maybe kids are more difficult...but I can only speak from personal experience). And the success of that marriage has little to do with romantic trysts and rose bouquets. 

Looking at the sparkly engagement ring on my hand, I am reminded of the responsibility that I have been entrusted with. I'm not going to lie-- it is as terrifying as it is exciting. On Instagram, I've seen many high school acquaintances slowly marry off, showing off their wedding bands and profesional wedding pictures. And I wonder, do any of them feel the same way as me? Am I being too pessimistic? Is there something wrong with me!? Shouldn't the promise of marriage bring me only happy tears!? After all, it's what I've dreamed about since childhood.

But real life is not so rosy. Nobody is perfect, and so no relationship is perfect. Marriage doesn't work out for everyone. Feelings of fear and pessimism are completely justified. That does not mean I don't love my partner. I am excited for my beach wedding, the cake, and the dress, but all the material things don't mean as much to me as I though they would. Most of all, I look forward to spending the rest of my life learning how to truly care about somebody else, and having them reciprocate that. That is the promise of marriage. 



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